Category Archives: Humour

Supermarket moves to clarify egg labelling

eggs
In response to the recent scandal involving mis-labelling of factory eggs as free-range eggs, a major supermarket chain today announced a new classification system for egg packaging. A spokesperson said:

‘We know our customers care about the conditions under which eggs are produced, and are willing to pay more for free-range eggs. We want to help consumers make informed choices about their purchases. Recent events have caused uncertainty about egg labelling and we want to remove that doubt. The new classification system includes extra categories to help customers make their purchasing decisions.’

The new labelling categories:

  • Barn-raised. The chickens are housed in a building which may or may not resemble the rustic, red-painted weatherboard shed of your imagination.
  • Free-range. The chickens are allowed to roam outdoors at will.
  • “Free-range”. A new category. Leaves undefined the conditions under which the eggs are raised but implies that the eggs may have been produced under free-range conditions.

The spokesperson went on to say:

‘The use of ironic speech-marks for the new category provides flexibility for egg producers and retailers, while at the same time providing a level of reassurance for consumers that they are making an ethical choice. We have seen on the global stage that voters have readily accepted alternative facts, so we believe consumers will likewise accept labelling categories based primarily on a feel-good factor.’

At the time of writing the “Ministry for Consumer Protection” could not be reached for comment.

Image by CogDogBlog

What’s John Key going to do next?

Following John Key’s shock resignation just a few days ago, many commentators have been analysing his achievements and contribution over the last 8 years as New Zealand’s Prime Minister.

Others are more focused on what he’s going to do next. Given his previous experience as a currency trader, most people seem to think he’s aiming for a high paying job or directorships in the business world. But is this where his job offers are really coming from?

800px-ponytail_facing_rightImage: Evil Erin

Our sources within the National party suggest up to 86% of the job offers to date have been from suburban hairdressers around the country. Why? We asked Mish-elle of Krazy Kuts Hairport in the Auckland suburb of Glendene to explain:

It may seem strange, but it makes sense to me. We’d love to have John Key working for us. We need a shampoo assistant who can gently caress our customers beautiful tresses, and with his experience I think he’d be absolutely perfect.

But I’ve probably said too much already…

Sadly, our interview with Mish-Elle was cut short when her phone rang and she anxiously shooed us from the room to answer it. Watch this space…

Casting a weary eye

nightmare

Image: Nightmare by Jean Pierre Simon via Public Domain Review

Increasingly, we read of someone being weary of something when what is really meant seems to be that they are cautious of or anxious about something.

The fact that we see this fairly regularly in the mainstream media suggests that the misconception is widespread amongst ordinary English users. The confusion is not helped by the fact that the two words are now indistinguishable in spoken English.

Sometimes a clue as to the intended meaning can be had from the context: if the user says ‘weary from‘ they probably mean tired, if they say ‘weary of‘ it’s possible they mean cautious. The cliche ‘cast a weary eye‘ almost certainly means cautious – as in a recent news broadcast:

wary-vs-weary

Image: TVNZ website

Apostrophe abuse

apostrophes

In the eyes of lovers of the English language, there’s a special place in hell for those who misuse apostrophes.

Apostrophe abuse includes:

  1. Using an apostrophe in front of the final ‘s’ in a plural word. We’ve all seen carrot’s for sale at the greengrocers, right? Interestingly, some apostrophe abusers only do this when the words ends in a long vowel – eg they write carrots but potato’s. Still incorrect but strangely useful as a guide to pronunciation!
  2. Using an apostrophe in the wrong place within a word – eg theyr’e. Criminal.
  3. Not using an apostrophe in a word which should have an apostrophe – eg I bought a bag of the greengrocers carrots.

The worst abusers seem to be just making wild guesses as to where to use apostrophes – eg I bought a bag of the greengrocers carrot’s. You can see them being singled out for special punishment in the image at the top of this post.

More on how to avoid being an apostrophe abuser

Thanks to the Public Domain Review for the image of a 14th-Century illumination for Dante’s Divine Comedy.

What if Trump Wins?

How a Trump victory could affect NZ

The US presidential elections are just a week or so away. While Clinton is ahead in the polls, a victory for Donald Trump can’t be ruled out. Many commentators think this would be disastrous, not just for the US but also for other countries around the world.

Our correspondent Jenny Flan spoke to Darryl Dawkins, the mayor of Dunburton. She started by asking what a Trump victory would mean for NZ and, more specifically, for his region of the South Island.

DD: I think its almost certain there’ll be a large number of Americans seeking asylum here. For example, lots of Mexicans and gay people will want out. Oh, and women. Our big problem here in Dunburton, as well as in the wider region, is the small population. How can we run council if we don’t have enough ratepayers? Look at this postcard that my staff bought this morning at the dairy down the road – can you see any ratepayers? No.

fiordland_national_park_new_zealand

So, we are going to accept as many refugees as we can from a Trump-led US and settle them in empty parts of the South Island.

JF: But… you could get hundreds wanting to come here. Where will they all live?

DD: Hundreds? We’re expecting around 30 million or so – I did a spreadsheet so it’s very accurate. But look at the postcard – there’s plenty of room! And once they get themselves set up with huts and stuff we’ll send them their rates demands.

JF: Do you think that NZ’s central government will support this plan? Won’t they need to pass special legislation to allow it to happen?

DD: We don’t really care what central government thinks – we are going to declare the South Island a separate country. My staff are working on a declaration of independence as we speak.

JF: Surely the government won’t allow it…?

DD: What can they do about it? They might send one of the frigates but even if it makes it to Picton we’ll build a wall across the wharf and stop them getting any further. There’s nothing Wellington can do to stop us!

(At this point the interview was interrupted as Darryl Dawkins turned his attention to the final presidential debate on TV. As our correspondent left the room Darryl was muttering “…nasty woman…email server…”)

Photo by Marc Mann